“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
Genesis 2:24
I honestly feel a little guilty writing this blog because there are simply so many blogs, books, podcasts, videos, articles, advise columns, etc., on the topic of improving your marriage. Not to mention all of the in-person and virtual marital seminars, meetings, retreats, and more offered to help you have a better marriage now.
To set the record straight, this is not that.
This is the point where you don’t believe me, but for some reason, you are continuing to read on, which is promising. When I say, this is not that, I specifically mean this will not focus on how to have a better marriage, how to have a happier marriage, how to be a better spouse, etc. My intent here is not to improve your marriage. My intent is to plainly lay out what marriage is.
Well, if you are married, you probably think you know what marriage is. After all, you are married. I wouldn’t go around offering to teach a soccer player about what soccer is, so why would I think this is important or even valid. The truth of the matter is, if you ask 10 people what marriage is, you are likely to get 10 different responses, or more.
Everybody seems to have their own opinion on what marriage is, what it should look like, and how I should mind my own business and stop forcing my religion on them every time I turn to the Bible as a source for marital counseling. Of course, this happens less when dealing with Christians, but only slightly less as so many Christians still have differing views on what marriage is. For that matter, I am sure there are other pastoral counselors out there who would disagree with my understanding of what marriage is, even though we are both supposedly using the same Bible as our source material.
If you followed my last bit of reasoning, you will realize two things
- I’ve clarified my preceding point that just because you are married doesn’t mean you and other married people have the same definition of what marriage is, therefore there is value to a discussion on what marriage is. It is especially important for married Christians to learn more about what a scripturally-based definition of marriage is.
- That my understanding of a scripturally-based definition of marriage may not agree with another pastoral counselor’s scripturally-based definition of marriage. I acknowledge this point because you may hear or may have heard from other pastoral counselors, something different. If so, then I would say, with all love and respect for them, that they are wrong – but that in no way diminishes my respect for them as pastors, nor my love for them as my brothers or sisters in Christ. I would thoroughly enjoy a conversation on this topic with them, and I would pray that together we would both grow closer to Christ in our understanding through such an exchange.
Now that you understand you may not have a good scripturally-based understanding for Christian marriage, or at least you probably have one that is different from many others that are out there, we can move on to the next foundational point, which is to discuss why a clear scripturally-based understanding of Christian marriage is important.
A Scripturally-based understanding of Christian marriage
The understanding of the purpose of marriage is similar to the understanding of the purpose of an organization, company, group, corporation, or government. Just as there are a vast multitude of sources giving advice on improving your marriage, there are many writings to be found on purpose statements or mission statements for organizations. This shared sense of purpose or shared understanding of the mission of an organization is vital to the longevity of the organization.
The difference between organizational mission statements and the definition of a marriage is that organizations have to spend time, money, and effort to develop or create their mission statement, while God has given the Christian the definition of a marriage in His Holy Bible.
To be fair, there is a benefit to simply having a shared definition of marriage between spouses, regardless of what that definition is. This is why secular marriages don’t always fail. They start with a rudimentary agreement as to what this relationship is that they are entering into. They recognize it is different from what they had and share a basic concept that defines the new relationship they call marriage. Over time, the stronger marriages that last, build on that foundation with further agreements that hold their relationship together. However, the marriages that fail, only have that initial, fragile foundational definition that doesn’t hold up over time to the changes and challenges that their relationship faces. That said, while a shared strong definition of marriage can hold secular relationships together for longer, these subjective foundations can never be as strong as an eternal objective foundation provided by the creator and sustainer of all life.
While a marital relationship that is built on a scripturally-based definition of marriage isn’t assured of success, it at least has a truly firm foundation, which gives that relationship a sure footing when problems present themselves. Storms will come, but Jesus who quiets the wind and the waves is your foundation. Trials will come, but the Father who closed the mouths of the Lions is your protector. Fights will happen, but in the midst of the anger, sadness, and pain, the Holy Spirit provides love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. The only way that a couple can truly know the gifts that come from Christian Marriage, and rest assured a hope that prevails in the union of marriage, is to stand on the truth of what a marriage is according to God, who is the author and designer of marriage.
That truth is this: “’Haven’t you read,’ he replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator “made them male and female,” and said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh”? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.’” Matthew 19:4-6
“They are no longer two, but one flesh.”
The definition of Christian Marriage is a man and a woman being joined together in such a way that they become one flesh. In this particular scripture, Jesus is answering a question about whether or not divorce is allowed. His answer to the question, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” is “They are no longer two, but one flesh.” If divorce means to separate from, and to be married means to be one flesh, then divorce means to remove part of your own flesh. Who in their right mind would think, ‘I’m not happy with how my arm has been treating me. I’m going to cut it off.’
Notice, Jesus answers a question concerning marriage by going back to the definition of marriage, because when you understand what a Christian marriage truly is, then you can make right decisions regarding said marriage. Why should a husband love his wife? Because the they are no longer two, but one flesh, and it is not unreasonable for a person to love themselves. Why should a wife submit to her husband? Because they are not longer two, but one flesh, and it only makes sense to submit to yourself.
When I was in the Navy stationed on the USS Dwight D Eisenhower, I had a shipmate who loved the Navy and loved being a sailor. It was more than the normal patriotism and even more that the pride one takes as a crew-member onboard a ship. It was also no secret that he felt this way. One particularly difficult day onboard the ship some of my shipmates were grumbling about the long work hours, the heat, the heavy lifting, the repetitive and seemingly nonsense labor we were performing. But not him. He came by all chipper and said, “It’s a great Navy day!” To which one of my shipmates retorted, “I hate the Navy. What makes you so happy to be in the Navy?” I’ll never forget how he stopped mid-stride, and turned with what looked like authentic confusion all over his face. He looked at his shipmate and said, “I’m not in the Navy … the Navy is in me,” and continued on his way.
Most of my shipmates wrote that moment off as the ramblings of a weird guy, but I was floored by how profound his statement was, and how earnest his belief in the words he spoke. This is what a Christian marriage looks like. It is not a partnership. It is not a joint effort. It is not something you are tied to. It is not a weight that holds you down. It is not a nice thing that you can have as long he/she makes you happy. When people believe it is anything like these they respond to the truth with the same confusion the Pharisees had. “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.” Matthew 19:10.
Like my shipmate, Marriage is a new identification.
It is the recognition of you truly are. Once the vow is made and the union is blessed by God, you are no longer the person you were. You are now a new person, joined together by Christ.
I said earlier, this was not going to be another blog about how to have a happier marriage. There is no reason to have that discussion before knowing who you are as a man and wife joined as one under God. Without that recognition, no amount of advice will help. In much the same way that it wouldn’t help to teach a non-believer how to be a better Christian, it doesn’t help to tell you how to have a happier marriage, if you haven’t understood what marriage is, and thereby accepted that you and your spouse are now one.
In this blessed union of Christian marriage there is joy, happiness, strength, perseverance, faith, hope, and love … real, everlasting, perfect love. And it is by knowing who you are, and whose you are, that a man and a wife can be filled with these blessings, and strengthened by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Marriage is …
- a change of identity, where life is not lived by an individual, instead it is lived by two people in one holy relationship
- a union of two persons, blessed by God, in such a manner that those two become one flesh here on earth
- where one man and one woman love each other as much as they love themselves, because they are themselves
- an expression of God’s love
Faith Of The Centurion 