“Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known.”

1 John 3:2a

I didn’t realize that serving as a pastor at a church where the oldest member when I was appointed was under 30 years old meant my wife would have to buy a lot of nice dresses. I attended easily more than half as many weddings as there were months for more than two years. And for my wife, each wedding came with the need for at least three dresses: Bridal Shower, Wedding Rehearsal and Dinner, and the Wedding itself.

What I also noticed was that every wedding brought together many young, eligible men and women who watched and wondered if their wedding would be like this one, or the other one. Each wedding also brought together many parents who would say to those parents whose children were among the young, eligible crowd, “May yours be next.”

Over the years, I’ve had occasions to speak with a number of these young men and women, and I have discovered the stress of finding the right person to marry. What’s worse though is the stress of the those who are a little older and still not married. The young professionals, holding down a job, or getting advanced degrees, while honestly and eagerly still waiting for that right person to marry. With each wedding they attend they think, how many times can I be a bridesmaid or a groomsman before it starts to look bad? How many times will my parents be told, may yours be next before they feel ashamed? To these young men and women, and others like them who feel like they are stuck waiting while their friends are off getting married and starting families I say this: You are loved – You are worthy – You are wonderful.

While stationed aboard the USS Dwight D. Eisenhower, one of the largest and most powerful warships ever to sail the seas, the crew was called together for an official announcement from the captain of the ship. We were to put into port in Newport News, where the ship would be dry docked for a number of years while it went through an refitting from stem to stern, so that at the end of this multi-year overhaul it would return to sea stronger than ever. It was also during this time that our captain chose to retire from service to the US Navy. With his entire crew present, during his retirement speech, he gave these words that stung many if not most of the sailors there that day. “This is a good time to retire, because an aircraft carrier without it’s airwing onboard is nothing more than a ferry for a couple of nuclear reactors.” (Quoted as accurately as I can remember).

To be sure, like every military unit, we work best when we worked with other units as part of a task force that represents the strongest military any country has ever had. Yet, by herself, the USS Eisenhower and her crew are a fighting force that very few adversaries in the world would want to go up against – even without the aircraft. The Skipper’s comments were an insult to the ship we crewed, and the sailors who proudly served onboard the Mighty Ike.

This attitude that the Skipper had came from an old way of thinking in the Navy. There is a saying: “Sailors belong on ships, and ships belong at sea.” Not only was he insulting the sailors that took the Mighty Ike to sea, he was ignoring all the sailors who worked at Navy ports around the world to take care of these ships so they can set sail again. While this is what many sailors want – to be at sea – it has never been true. The USS Eisenhower had the amazing capability to sail under its own power almost indefinitely, which is to say, it didn’t need to make port for most normal repairs or for fuel. However, what these sailors forget is how many of their shipmates are back home flying supplies out to them, and preparing to complete all the repairs and upgrades to the ship as soon as she came back to port.

For the crew of the IKE, or any other Navy ship, our identities were not dependent on being at sea, or of there were aircraft on the ship or not. We were US Navy Sailors, members of the most powerful Navy the world has ever seen. That is simply who we were, regardless of where we were, which ship we were on, or at what port we were stationed. It is an identity that doesn’t change with circumstances.

Young Christian men and women have the same sort of identity, and can get confused to their own value, worth, purpose, or accomplishments based on what they see happening with their Christian brothers and sisters. Young ladies see the other ladies around them, girls that they grew up with, getting engaged and married, moving into a home, and starting a family. Young men see the guys they grew up spending their time courting a young lady, after time proposing to her, going through all the wedding adventures, getting married, making a home, and starting a family. It is easy to start thinking … what about me? … why isn’t a good man courting me? … why can’t I find a lady who will accept me? … what’s wrong with me?

You are a child of God; a God who loves you and has good planned for you.

The short answer is there is nothing wrong with you. You are a child of God; a God who loves you and has good planned for you. I understand the thoughts, the feelings, and the struggle. I understand wanting to drown your feelings of loneliness and failure at the bar during the reception. I understand the tears and the pain of seeing yet another one of your friends getting married and “starting their life” while you stay right where you were. I know the feeling of being so happy for your friends while also being so sad that it still hasn’t happened to you. I understand it as a pastor. I understand it as a father to two young ladies waiting to be married. I understand it as a young man who had his fiancée taken away through school, work, and distance. I understand as a man who was blessed with the lady God had intended for him stand with him and say “I do” when he was 26 years old.

The one thing I would go back and tell myself, and the one thing I will tell you right now, isn’t that God has a special someone that He is preparing for you. It is that you are a special someone to God, right now, always and forever, regardless of your marital state.  Your worth is not tied up in whether or not you are married any more than I stopped being a sailor when I stepped off the ship.

In premarital counseling I tell couples all the time that the happily ever after is in fairy tails for a reason: it isn’t true. Marriage is not some magical station in life where once you say “I do” everything become right. Married couples have easily some of the most painful arguments that any couple can have. Married couples have to find answers to even harder questions, but now two people need to agree on each answer. Married couples learn the true meaning of patience and forgiveness as they get to practice them over and over. Marriage does not make you better. Marriage will not make him/her better. Marriage does not prove that you have worth. Marriage will not make him/her worthy. Bad relationships do not become better with marriage.

Like I said earlier, I understand the feeling and desire to get married, and I know the difficulty of waiting for that day to come. As a pastoral counselor, I have also seen the pain that can be brought upon couples who rush into marriage or go into it thinking it will make people or relationships better. In reality couples that should get married behave like there are married before they get married. Ladies, wait until you find that man who loves you just as Christ loves the church, even without the wedding ring. Men, find that lady who trusts you in all things before you bend down on one knee with a ring in your hand. Then when he asks, “Will you …” she will answer “Of course,” because anything else simply wouldn’t make sense.

God tells you that who you are now is a child of God. You are loved. And, in this same Scripture it reminds you of this very simple truth: what you will be has not yet been made known. You don’t know your future any more than the rest of us. However, like everyone else, you know that God has made plans for you – plans to prosper you – plans for good. What does that mean for you, as you are eagerly awaiting that same joyful wedding, and the wedded bliss that you believe follows such an incredible day? It means simply, have faith. Trust in God. Don’t lean on your own understanding. Don’t limit God to your hopes and dreams. Let go of your plans, and trust in your savior.