Hope, or more specifically, a lack of hope, can destroy relationships. When I was first thinking about this, it was primarily around marriages. It is incredibly difficult for marriages to come back to a healthy relationship when one or both spouses loose hope. 

It is a sad thing that I have experienced in pastoral counseling. When counseling couples going though difficult times, one of the things I try to assess is how deep and how long the hurt is in the relationship. This means a lot of guided conversations going back and back into the relationship, and digging deep underneath the emotions to get at the core hurt.

Thankfully, many or even most of my marital counseling identified recent and/or shallow hurt, which was fairly easy to address. In those cases, the tally was less than five sessions, which resulted in stronger relationships that had learned processes in place to identify and address future similar hurts before the linger or dig in deep.

The deeper or longer hurts usually take longer to overcome. It is often the second session where you can tell if there is a chance simply by seeing if both husband and wife show up. Marriages are more than just a partnership. They are two becoming one.

Two Become One

It bothers me when people describe marriage as 50/50, or give and take, or compromise. All of these descriptions create a division that, when in a state of hurt, predictably lead to he said/she said, blaming, and self-righteous behavior.

Jesus speaks of marriage saying,

“The two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh” (Mark 10:8).

Marriage was wasn’t set up to be a partnership. It is a new thing. It is a change of identity. This happened to me twice. Both times when I was in the Navy. I was often underway or on temporary assignment away from my family. Once, I came back from a four-month temporary duty assignment, and my wife had stated going to a different chapel service during that time. I actually returned on a Sunday and called my wife not realizing it was in the middle of Sunday worship time. I had just returned from a time zone nine hours away, so that’s my excuse, and I’m sticking to it.

Her phone rang in the middle of the sermon. Not vibrate. A nice loud ring during a quit part. Rita told me the pastor paused, and said “you should get that. It might be God calling you.” She answered and told me she was in the middle of church service. We hung up, and I went to the chapel to see her. After the service, I met a lot of people, and was referred to, over and over, as “Rita’s husband.”

My identity had changed. I was no longer “Steve.” My identity had been changed into that of my relationship to Rita. Maybe a year or two later, a little girl, who was friends with my daughter, introduced me to her father as “that’s Carol’s daddy.” Again, my identity had changed from one that was solely me, to one that was who I was in relation to someone else. And, I couldn’t be prouder than to be referred to as my daughters’ dad, or my wife’s husband.

The marital relationship, specifically, is one where both identities become wrapped up into one. I would love to hear about more pastors stressing this during pre-marital counseling. Regardless, if one or both spouses loose hope, addressing whatever problem or conflict they are having should become secondary, because without hope no amount of problem-solving is going to restore their hope.

It Ended in Tears

I had a couple that I was warned was going to be a challenge. They had asked a friend for help, and that friend referred me to them. During the intake, I discovered this was true, but I decided to continue and see what God would do. The next week, I found out it was the two of them that wouldn’t let God work in their marriage. 

During the first meeting, they both self-professed that they were Christians, but they also admitted they were not active. No prayer life. Not attending any church. Only a handful of Christian friends, and hadn’t opened a Bible in many years. Interestingly, I also discovered that their relationship with God mirrored their relationship with each other. They were living separated, shared very few friends, almost never spoke to each other, and saw each other only when necessary. And they had been married for more than 20 years. 

On the second session, I delved more into their faith in God. They were very honest, and found out they believed God existed, but had no relationship with Him. Again, much like their marriage. But the worst part was when they were asked if, with God’s help, their marriage could be restored. I wasn’t prepared for the one thing they agreed on: they had no hope that even God could restore their marriage.

A few sessions later, I closed out our counseling, and they were both thankful that I tried. I cried on the drive home. The same situation can happen in our relationship with Jesus. When hope is lost, there is no path for a continued relationship.

The Erosion of Hope

So, if we loose hope for what God has promised, what naturally follows is the loss of faith. If we loose hope for God’s blessings, hope for the resurrection, hope for a new life in paradise, hope that God will turn our suffering into glory, then how can we also trust in that same God. Without hope, there is no foundation for faith. (Interestingly, likewise, without faith, there is no reason for hope, but that is a different discussion.) 

The devil, the world, people you know, and your own flesh will try to slowly deaden your sense of hope. Don’t read too much news, whether local, national or international if you want to retain hope. It is full of bad people doing bad things, and bad organizations on all levels hurting people.

This isn’t me saying you should stick your head in the sand and ignore the world. This is me saying that as a Christian you already know that people are bad and do bad things to others, and filling your mind with all those bas things (especially those that you have no ability to change) doesn’t benefit you or anyone else. All it does is slowly chip away at your hope. It is difficult to see the truth of the goodness of God when surrounded by the evil that men do. This is both a part of the devil’s long con, and the result of living in a fallen world filled with sin. 

As you see things slowly get darker and darker, and the world around you gets worse and worse, the hope fades, the faith wanes, and the heart gives in to despair. But here is when the Gospel returns. 

The Gospel of Hope

“Now faith is the certainty of things hoped for, a proof of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1).

The Gospel message isn’t only for that time when you repented, gave your life to Christ, and became a child of God. The Gospel is for every day of your life. Just as maintaining a marriage gets more difficult when you spend long times apart, so does maintaining your hope when you spend more and more time away from God. It is pretty simple. It is difficult to be close with someone you aren’t close with.

“For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, through perseverance we wait eagerly for it” (Romans 8:24-25).

Things like reading the Bible, meeting with brothers and sisters in Christ, and praying are not just tasks that Christians should be doing. These are gifts from God. They are ways we can be close with God. Want to speak with God? Pray and listen. Want to hear from God? Read the Bible (you know, the Word of God). Want to not feel alone? Spend time with your brothers and sisters. 

The Good News is that God knows the dangers of loosing hope, and He has given you ways to refill your heart and mind with the truth of the hope of Christ.

Hope is precious to the life of the Christian. It is the faith we have in the truth of the love of a good God, and His promise for our future – a good future.